another one has come and gone, and i am reminded of a time-old lesson: without You, i am nothing.
how thankful i am that even in my broken-hearted, bitter, sorrowful season, You looked at me proudly and lovingly and chose me to do Your work at this camp.
mckc 2019 has come and gone in the blink of an eye, the phrase “trust the process” leaving its imprint on my heart with such excruciating pain linked with the words.
for the first time, mckc was not just a week in june – my mckc 2019 season started half a year ago. somehow, since then, i’ve been hitting new levels of rock bottom. my thought process since last winter began with “yeah, of course trust the process is a great lesson and theme,” to “i’m not sure what You’re doing, but i trust You,” to “please help me to understand even one part of this plan,” to finally, hitting a point where i stated, “Lord, i don’t want Your plan anymore.”
despite my stubborn attempts to push Him away, i see Him moving in my life. i closed out the week with this journal entry – “although i still can’t say that i’ve found healing, and in my current state, i can’t 100% declare God’s love or goodness, i can say this: i am just the slightest bit excited to see what the hell this whole process was about. it’s a thought i’m scared to admit because i know it will be hard, but this thought is genuine.”
i stand here and cry out for quick healing, but You clearly tell me this is a time for suffering. i fought against it at first, but have since surrendered to Your process – i can do this so long as You remain by my side. throughout the week, i desperately searched for a line from a song or a bible verse that stood out to me – anything tangible to hold onto and inspire a bit of strength – but i realized at some point that i was grabbing at emptiness. Your strength and peace come from a source far greater.
and while stuck in this season, i struggle to say the words ‘God is good,’ i have no doubt that i will look back at this stage and be thankful to You for every moment.
“trust the process” has become far too personal in my own life and several of my beloved brothers and sisters… and my heart aches so deeply for each of them, but when i fail to remember that He has a great plan for me, i think about how great His plan is for others. to each of you who have been feeling such agonizing pain in your hearts, i can confidently say – your suffering has a purpose beyond our limited comprehension. as much as my heart breaks for all of us, the excitement i feel for us is far greater.
thank you, Jesus.